hurtful words.

I'm upset, because apparently I'm a stalker for caring about someone. is it my fault that i want to wait for them and stay up for a while during the night? is it my fault that i don't want them to go to sleep because i want to talk to them? and honestly, is it really such a bad thing to be upset when they want to leave?

here's a hint: i think i kinda like you. do you get it now?

i kind of feel like a part of me has been removed now.. it feels slightly empty. it's hard to explain, that hurtful, lonely feeling in your gut.




- you know what? thinking back to this, i changed my mind. i don't care anymore.

give it your all.

here's the story: i miss you, i still do wish we were together, and guess what; I'd do almost anything just to be able to TALK to you again. But here's the thing: you don't care. So why do I care, you may ask? Because you were... and still are, what I care about. I know, it's been a LONG time since.... us... but, really, nothing has changed for me. My feelings for you have never changed. I long for you. You frustrate the hell out of me because I have no idea what to do. I've tried talking to you; you tell me, "I don't give a damn." I don't understand you. Was it really my fault? You portray the situation as that. Although, you won't tell me why the hell you even just started ignoring me. And another thing, were you really saying shit behind my back? Yeah, I'm not mad about that anymore, but I just want to know, from you, did you say those things? You know, you really hurt me. And you still do. You know, I was reminiscing about the good times we had. Remember when you first asked me out? You were the first person that ever asked me out in person. I was so nervous.. but so happy. I remember, I was always looking so forward to talking to you before I went to sleep every night, because I felt as if my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't have a chance to talk to you. Also, when you battled at the rec.. that bboy competition? We sat together.. I held you in my arms while you rested on me. I felt so happy.. just being with you lightened my mood, lightened my day. I was so proud of you, too. I always admired your breakdancing. To me, you were the best. To me, you are the best. And.. our times at kendale & theo's house. This is something.. I've wanted to say to you for..... so long. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that.. I never.. "contributed" to the kisses. You'd know what I mean. If I could, I'd change everything. Really. Wow, thinking about this really brings the tears racing down my face. Yes, I may be an emotional person, but seriously. You have such a hold on my emotions. I feel like.. I can't move on. It's been.. how long, almost a year and a half, and I still can't figure things out. I really want to talk to you about this. Except, it seems like you don't want to talk to me. Well, obviously not. But I wonder why. Is there something that.. you're embarassed about, possibly? Or something that happened that pissed you off? Maybe.. Upset you? I don't know, there are so many things that could be wrong. But I want to know this. Please, do BOTH of us a favour and explain. Actually, no, I'm not pressuring you. Obviously it's your choice. But, does this really not bug you.. at all? I mean, to me, this is like one of those concious things, as if a person did something bad, and they feel guilty, and can't get it out of their mind. Well yes, a bit of a different story, but I can't stop thinking about it. Really, I've tried talking to you two times, i think it was? I feel intimidated now, cause I have a feeling you're just going to either a) ignore me, b) give me a short, unexplaining answer like you already did, or c) tell me the worst thing possible I could think happen. You made it seem to me as if, no matter what, everything is going to turn out bad anyways. Why try then, right? Trust me, I wish i didn't want to. But it's more of an inside thing. This is something I cannot let go of. You know, I wonder if any of our memories even matter to you anymore. I hope that they mattered to you at the time, at least, cause they sure as hell meant the world to me. Im sorry if you thought I was a golddigger. Honestly, I really didn't want you to think of me as that. If I could go back in time, I definitely would change a lot of things, including giving you that impression. But of course, that's not possible.. it's only wishful thinking, right? There are so many things I wish I could say, but I could not fit everything on here.. and if I could, it'd be pages long. But, I really need to say this. I know you're probably still infatuated with your most recent ex. Seeing how you explain feelings, days, etc. that you had with her (yes, I read your blogs. so what.) it's obvious that.. you're going through the same as me. Yeah but, I know that you aren't in anywhere near as much pain as I am. I wonder if you'd still feel the same after a year and a half, hm? It's kind of ironic. But, I do feel bad, because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And trust me on that one. I tried, I tried when we were going out. I thought that the things I did for you were good enough. Maybe not. I worked so hard on that one month gift. Put so much love into it, when I made it. I loved doing things for you, because I loved seeing you happy, seeing you smile. Yes, all those times I did walk to your work. I just wanted to see you so bad.. I'd do almost anything, really. As much as.. it killed me harshly on the inside to know that you moved on to another girl, I was happy to know that...you were happy. I hated her at first. But I got to know her.. or at least know how she is. And she really is... a nice person. I can see why you fell for her. She must've meant... or she must mean a lot to you. Ok, I think this concludes what I can explain.. well actually, I CAN'T really think at the moment. And, I'm sorry for not being able to explain anything, or everything better.

In my mind, i wish you never came into my life, but in my heart.. im so happy that you were there.

thank you for making my life happier. and thanks for making me feel this way.

im sorry, but, uhm... i love you.

shining star

When i see stars in the sky, i dont think of them to be shining objects, glowing lights, or anything magical.

I think of them as rested souls that have found their rightful place in the sky, to watch over what had been their everything in this world.

That's why I look up to the sky.
Because I know that you'll always be watching over me.

this one goes out to you.

you know, i'd still love you even if you were bald. ♥

make a wish ~

I always waste my hopes on holding on to the wishes I make with dandelions. On the outside, I just do it for fun, because they just look so beautiful flying in the air, soaking in the sun rays, but on the inside.. I have this slight hope that something might actually come true. I guess I should stop wasting my time wishing, and make it happen. Although, I guess that wishing is a bit of a motivation to want to make what you want, happen. But, the hope that the wishes will come true, will never fade.

"Just make a wish, and hope it comes true. I wish that you'd be in love with me, too.."

spirited away ♥

Spirited Away brings back memories.. it was always been my favorite movie, since I was a little child. I used to watch this all the time. Now, that I think about the movie more, i realize how the love involved is so perfect. That's what upsets me about these happy ending movies, (although this wasn't necessarily a "happily-ever-after" sort of movie) they fall in love so deep.. and no matter what, they just both end up loving eachother. Fate. Makes me think; why cant I love like that? Well, yes, I most likely can, I just haven't found the right person. Or perhaps things between us just didn't go right. At times, I think that what happened between.. us... was all my fault. And after such a long time, I have accepted the fact, because what else am I to do?
"It's not you, it's me"
Don't worry, I will never use that quote with you. If I ever had the chance to explain myself, or sort things out between us, I'd try to explain as clear, informative and accurate as possible.

I love the story behind this movie, it's so creative. I admire the maker of the movie. Favorite movie maker, definitely. I recommend you watch this movie, because it definitely should have the recognition it deserves. Oh, but then again, that's only my opinion on the movie. We all think differently, obviously. Just like, I think The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift was a crazy good movie, whereas others would tell me it was crap (secretly, that disappoints me because i really liked that movie, ahaha).

oh, how the love in these fairytales are so perfect..

flashbacks,

Sometimes, i like to think back at what we had. And then at other times, it hurts me ever so much. You think i've honestly forgotten about you?

You know.. i still wonder why you just.. abandoned me. Forgot about me. Erased me from your life. Do you know how hard it is, having to stand next to you, occasionally stealing the quick glance, but not being able to even say hi? I fear that you will just,"leave me hanging," or rather.. ignore me. Do you honestly know.. how much of an affect you have on me? You really meant a lot to me; no, let me rephrase. You really still do mean a lot to me. And you most definitely always will. Trust me on this.

I honestly can't wait for the day that I have the opportunity, or the guts, to talk to you again. If that day will even exist.