give it your all.

here's the story: i miss you, i still do wish we were together, and guess what; I'd do almost anything just to be able to TALK to you again. But here's the thing: you don't care. So why do I care, you may ask? Because you were... and still are, what I care about. I know, it's been a LONG time since.... us... but, really, nothing has changed for me. My feelings for you have never changed. I long for you. You frustrate the hell out of me because I have no idea what to do. I've tried talking to you; you tell me, "I don't give a damn." I don't understand you. Was it really my fault? You portray the situation as that. Although, you won't tell me why the hell you even just started ignoring me. And another thing, were you really saying shit behind my back? Yeah, I'm not mad about that anymore, but I just want to know, from you, did you say those things? You know, you really hurt me. And you still do. You know, I was reminiscing about the good times we had. Remember when you first asked me out? You were the first person that ever asked me out in person. I was so nervous.. but so happy. I remember, I was always looking so forward to talking to you before I went to sleep every night, because I felt as if my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't have a chance to talk to you. Also, when you battled at the rec.. that bboy competition? We sat together.. I held you in my arms while you rested on me. I felt so happy.. just being with you lightened my mood, lightened my day. I was so proud of you, too. I always admired your breakdancing. To me, you were the best. To me, you are the best. And.. our times at kendale & theo's house. This is something.. I've wanted to say to you for..... so long. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that.. I never.. "contributed" to the kisses. You'd know what I mean. If I could, I'd change everything. Really. Wow, thinking about this really brings the tears racing down my face. Yes, I may be an emotional person, but seriously. You have such a hold on my emotions. I feel like.. I can't move on. It's been.. how long, almost a year and a half, and I still can't figure things out. I really want to talk to you about this. Except, it seems like you don't want to talk to me. Well, obviously not. But I wonder why. Is there something that.. you're embarassed about, possibly? Or something that happened that pissed you off? Maybe.. Upset you? I don't know, there are so many things that could be wrong. But I want to know this. Please, do BOTH of us a favour and explain. Actually, no, I'm not pressuring you. Obviously it's your choice. But, does this really not bug you.. at all? I mean, to me, this is like one of those concious things, as if a person did something bad, and they feel guilty, and can't get it out of their mind. Well yes, a bit of a different story, but I can't stop thinking about it. Really, I've tried talking to you two times, i think it was? I feel intimidated now, cause I have a feeling you're just going to either a) ignore me, b) give me a short, unexplaining answer like you already did, or c) tell me the worst thing possible I could think happen. You made it seem to me as if, no matter what, everything is going to turn out bad anyways. Why try then, right? Trust me, I wish i didn't want to. But it's more of an inside thing. This is something I cannot let go of. You know, I wonder if any of our memories even matter to you anymore. I hope that they mattered to you at the time, at least, cause they sure as hell meant the world to me. Im sorry if you thought I was a golddigger. Honestly, I really didn't want you to think of me as that. If I could go back in time, I definitely would change a lot of things, including giving you that impression. But of course, that's not possible.. it's only wishful thinking, right? There are so many things I wish I could say, but I could not fit everything on here.. and if I could, it'd be pages long. But, I really need to say this. I know you're probably still infatuated with your most recent ex. Seeing how you explain feelings, days, etc. that you had with her (yes, I read your blogs. so what.) it's obvious that.. you're going through the same as me. Yeah but, I know that you aren't in anywhere near as much pain as I am. I wonder if you'd still feel the same after a year and a half, hm? It's kind of ironic. But, I do feel bad, because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And trust me on that one. I tried, I tried when we were going out. I thought that the things I did for you were good enough. Maybe not. I worked so hard on that one month gift. Put so much love into it, when I made it. I loved doing things for you, because I loved seeing you happy, seeing you smile. Yes, all those times I did walk to your work. I just wanted to see you so bad.. I'd do almost anything, really. As much as.. it killed me harshly on the inside to know that you moved on to another girl, I was happy to know that...you were happy. I hated her at first. But I got to know her.. or at least know how she is. And she really is... a nice person. I can see why you fell for her. She must've meant... or she must mean a lot to you. Ok, I think this concludes what I can explain.. well actually, I CAN'T really think at the moment. And, I'm sorry for not being able to explain anything, or everything better.

In my mind, i wish you never came into my life, but in my heart.. im so happy that you were there.

thank you for making my life happier. and thanks for making me feel this way.

im sorry, but, uhm... i love you.